Reasons Why Relationships Break Up And How It’s Possible For You To Avoid Them
Friday, January 6th, 2012In my profession as a relationship counselor, I'm constantly being asked why so many relationships end which leads to guys wanting to get an ex back. In the more than 30 years that I have worked with couples, I learned five major relationship killers:
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR - The great majority of people enter a liaison with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear inspires various sorts of controlling behaviour. Controlling behavior falls into 2 major categories overt control and undercover control. Overt control includes many sorts of attack, for example blaming resentment, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and scorn. Secret control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, protecting, explaining, lying and rejecting.
Often somebody at the other end of attack will reply with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked. Controlling behaviour always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very refusal it's meant to avoid.
RESISTANCE - Many folks enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner desiring control of them, they respond with resistance withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and time wasting.
NEEDINESS - Many of us enter a relationship believing it's their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When folk have not learned how to accept responsibility for their own feelings and needs , and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they want.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS - Most folks who feel empty inside turn to substance and process obsessions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the agony of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and substance abuse, food, spending, betting, busyness, Web sex and porn, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, dolling up, and such like can all be utilised as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, refusal and engulfment. And they're all ways of shutting out your companion.
EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE - Many individuals are very conscious of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship Problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you may be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but completely unaware of your own judgmental behaviour.
You might be very mindful of your partner’s anger, but completely oblivious of your own compliance. You could be extremely mindful of your partner’s addictive behavior, but really unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your companion instead of on yourself, you may continue to accept that if only your other half changed, everything would be OK.
RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS - All relationship killers come from fear of incompetency, of failure, of refusal and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you'll be behaving in one or two of the above ways.
The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows the way to take full responsibility for your own feelings and wants.
Discover more tips to get your ex back when you visit my Magic of Making Up review now!
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